and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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