She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
