Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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