You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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