Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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