we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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