Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
