I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
