So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
