I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
not ubering you a puppy
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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