Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
