new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
