Whod you bang
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
you are never too drunk for berry picking
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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