I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
