U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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