This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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