I'd wear matching sweaters with you
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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