how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
