I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
