She went from zero to smokin in five shots
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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