Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize