this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
