i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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