I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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