Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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