I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
