As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
