She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
