I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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