you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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