Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
