Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
