he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
