I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
