Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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