It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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