omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
