Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
