You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Dicks are not precious.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
