We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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