ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
