she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
