Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
