Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
