i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
