I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
