He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
