Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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