I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
