She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
