I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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