are you still at the devil's house?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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