The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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