I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
