i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
