everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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