the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
