4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Sober January is a disaster.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
