'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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