can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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