If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
