Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
